The Misadventures of an Enthusiast of Love

I obviously have not blogged in a while. I honestly got tired of reading and talking about my shit. I was annoying myself. Today, I had a revelation though that absolutely must be shared.

When I was 14, my mom told me that I would meet someone when I was 16. When I was 16, I was told it would be when I went to college. After a few ridiculous relationships, my mom said it would be once I found a career. Now, my family I’m pretty sure is convinced that I’m a lesbian.  The underlying point in all of this, according to Sybil, was that it’s not me, it’s them. I realized that mom does not always know best.

After several failed relationships, I have become a little cold, a little skeptical, and afraid. I caught myself mid-running from a perfectly nice man today, and it got me thinking about the people I have met in the past few years. I have been given numerous opportunities to be in a serious relationship but have sabotaged every single one. Most of these men are married now, typically to the person they met right after me.

I realized in all of this that I don’t want that anymore. In the words of India Arie, “I am ready for love.” I want it with someone in particular, but if that doesn’t work out, I’m going to try and keep the door to my heart open rather than slamming it shut.

i <3 ceelo.

I finally picked up The Path to Love again the other day when my ex called after 8 years of estrangement spouting off about some nonsense that he wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, which is something I wondered if I had always wanted but tucked away. I immediately realized I did not. No matter how wrong it is, I kind of wanted to laugh.

Although, in the midst of the conversation, he commented on how I’ve “got (my) shit together,” which I don’t feel is the case, but it’s more so than him so I get where he was coming from. Anyway, I started reading, and after one page, I was liberated. The book started with the whole, “it’s not what you do..” arguement, but it was worded so amazingly that I finally got it. I don’t have to do anything. I don’t have to find a job that sums my being up into a nice little package. Just because I want to help people doesn’t mean I have to find a job where I save the world. It doesn’t mean I MUST go back to school. What it means is that I can continue to do exactly what I choose, but be true to myself, and that’s good enough.

(via oceansnotions)

I’ve been eating better, getting lots of exercise lugging thousands of pounds of books (literally) out of the bookstore, and going to visit my mom everyday to keep her going. I’ve been reading, finishing up grad school applications, and may even be going on a date this weekend. Better than fine, indeed….

Although, since I’ve taken my year vow of celibacy to get my shit together, I haven’t been “pleased”, if you know what I mean. I took this crazy vow because I tend to get “caught up” with men and lose myself.  Which means, I’VE been taking care of EVERYTHING (ahem). My year is almost up, hallelujah! I can’t take it anymore. My attitude towards men is much healthier, and I even have back-up goals to my goals. Well, maybe not healthier, I’m more apt to use men for my pleasure, but before, it was all about them. Eventually, I’ll find a happy medium, I think, but as of April 17, 2010, the year is up. It’s on like Donkey Kong, and I feel bad for the poor soul that feels my sexual wrath.

(via oceansnotions)

Since my mom has been in the hospital, all I have eaten is food that is terrible for me (chicken pot pie, french fries, cookies, etc.). I was eating so healthy previous to this unexpected tragedy because I’m on a mission to take better care of myself in every way, including physically. Then, disaster strikes, and I eat like I have a tape worm. Unfortunately, there is no tape worm, so my waistline is expaning and so is my fanny.

I’ve acknowledged the trend, so today, a granola bar, veggie fajitas and salad it is. Food is like my drug, but I’m getting a grip and eating only to nourish myself. I’m going to quit being a glutton so that I can be a sexy bitch that can fit into super cute clothes. How else will I fulfill my dream of being an international maneater?

is far too inspirational for my terribly negative ass right now…taking a break before I unfriend Deepak on twitter.

projectlivelove